SCENE 1
Two men stand over a grave stage right, recently buried. One man is abnormally tall and dressed in a long black overcoat. The other man, only coming up the other man’s elbow stands next to him wearing a grey overcoat and bowler hat.
FLAH: Feckin your fault so it is.
MURPH: My fault? Sure I had nothing to do with it.
FLAH: Ah you know it’s true.
MURPH: The blaggard offed himself, what’s that got to do with me?
FLAH: You drove him to it! You and those feckin seven cats of yours. Always meowin, always purrin like a dodgy vibrator. Those cats would drive any man to drink, but they made this man hang himself.
MURPH: I thought he flung himself off that nice wee balcony of his?
FLAH: No, no, Maire was tellin me they found the rope and all.
MURPH: Well look, he had problems, let’s leave my cats out of it. Harmless little things so they are. Sure it wouldn’t be home without my little fellas…
FLAH: (Interrupts) Little feckers more like..
Murph: (Glares at Flah but continues) When you’re feeling down from a long day’s working, maybe the chickens haven’t laid enough eggs, or one of your cows keep starin at you funny, there’s nothin like a good cuddle from a cat, Flah. That was his problem sure, he didn’t have any cats, no one to share his problems with. That’s probably why he hurled himself from his balcony or hung himself or whatever..
FLAH: Hanged..
MURPH: Wha?
FLAH: Hanged, not hung..
MURPH: Oh..
FLAH: What was that about your cow starin at ya funny?
MURPH: Oh, I meant nothin by it like, just a cow.
FLAH: That’s starin at ya funny?
MURPH: Well yeah, like I do be out checkin on the fat feckers and there’s this cow, Patty, and she just stares me down like.
FLAH: Patty? Patty the cow…?
MURPH: Yeah that’s her name. Her name was Padraic until Glen told me that all cows were girleens, so I renamed her.
FLAH: What does she be doin when she’s starin at ya?
MURPH: Nothin like, just a hard stare is all, scares the bejaysus out of me at night.
FLAH: You’re a feckin eejit Murphy you know that? Cows starin at ya, and in the dark? What in Christ’s name are you doin with the cows at night?
MURPH: Ah well that’s my own business now Flah. And business I don’t want to be sharin if you don’t mind…
FLAH: What in God’s name… are you diddlin your cows Murph? Is that why Patty keeps starin at ya? Knows you’re coming for her in the night? That is fuckin disgusting behaviour now, I expected better from you.
MURPH: I’m not bleedin diddlin me cows! I just be tippin them is all. I’ve owned cows for years and that little rat Brian, Dolly’s son, used to tip them every night. It drove me round the bend until one night I saw him tip one (laughs) and it was the best thing I’d ever saw! So now I go around tippin me cows sometimes, just for the laugh like.
FLAH: I said it once, and I’ll say it again, you’re one feckin eejit Murph…
END SCENE.
SCENE 2
Country road, day. Flah is walking down the road and sees Maire, an old woman, wearing a long floral patterned skirt and pink cardigan, selling strawberries stage left. He goes over to her shoddy stall to chat to her.
FLAH: Maire! Keepin well?
MAIRE: So I am Flah, so I am.
FLAH: You off sellin your strawberries again?
MAIRE: So am I Flah, so I am.
FLAH: Would you not be better off sellin them in town? Not many people walk these roads, you would sell heaps of these little buggers in town.
MAIRE: So I would Flah, so I would.
Flah stands there, after a few elongated and awkward seconds Flah waves in front of Maire’s face, she does not give a reaction.
FLAH: Alright Maire, I’ll leave you to it so, I’ll take a few strawberries for the road.
MAIRE: So you will Flah, so you will.
Flah gives her a few coins, grabs a handful of strawberries and walks off the stage quickly.
Light stays on with Maire standing by her stall completely still. She says nothing for a few seconds.
MAIRE: So will I, so will I.
Maire grabs a bunch of strawberries and begins eating them as she shuffles off stage slowly.
END SCENE
SCENE 3
Flah sits in Murph’s house, drinking poteen. There are two rocking chairs centre stage on a rug. Stage left there is an standing clock. Stage right there is a picture on the wall of a cow.
FLAH: Maire’s off her rocker today.. Couldn’t get a bleedin word out her. Startin to think you were right about yer man jumping of his roof.
MURPH: His balcony..
FLAH: Ah yeah, yeah. Balcony, roof, who cares, he jumped. What difference does it make anyhow, he’s in hell either way?
MURPH: Really? What did he do to go to hell?
FLAH: He diddled his pigs.
MURPH: Wha?
FLAH: He killed himself Murph for feck sake! Thought you were Catholic and all.
MURPH: I am Catholic!
FLAH: Well then you should know that God doesn’t look too favourably on those suicidal types, thinks they’re not worth his time. Sends ‘em straight to hell he does. Let’s the Devil have a bit of fun with ‘em. Cause they’re good people a lot of them suicidal types, and the Devil doesn’t get good people that often, or ever really. He’s always stuck with those murderers and rapists, and they deserve the torture so it’s not too much fun for the aul Devil. But when he gets his hands on an actual good person, then he can have a feckin whale of a time.
MURPH: (Astonished) I thought God was meant to be nice?
FLAH: God’s a prick and he knows it! Sure why else would he have priests who diddle children all day?
MURPH: Fair point Flah. Alright I won’t go killin myself, have to get into heaven me. You can have anything you want in heaven, anything!
FLAH: That’s greed Murph, I don’t think God likes that either.
MURPH: For feck’s sake so, I’ll just go to hell and hope the Devil is nicer than the bible makes him out to be.. False advertising or something like that…
FLAH: Sure you won’t know until you know.
MURPH: I suppose I won’t.
FLAH: I suppose you won’t.
Flah gets up to leave. He starts towards the door, stage left.
FLAH: Droppin into Cherry Orchard tonight?
MURPH: Yeah I’ll see ya in there, have to check on the animals before I go, make sure the chickens have done a better job today.
FLAH: And tip some cows?
MURPH: Maybe one or two…
END SCENE.
SCENE 4
Flah and Maire are in the graveyard again, standing over a freshly buried grave. Flah is wearing his grey overcoat with his bowler hat. Maire is wearing a long skirt and cardigan, she’s holding a few strawberries.
FLAH: That feckin eejit.
MAIRE: He was and all.
FLAH: Trampled by a few cows, jaysus, there’s better ways to go.
MAIRE: There is.
Maire starts eating strawberries.
FLAH: You’re full of chat these last few days.
MAIRE: Thank you.
FLAH: What kind of idiot gets killed by a bunch of cows! Sure they just stand there all day and occasionally sit down when its’ going to rain. And sure they’re Irish cows! They’re always feckin sittin down! How can a sittin cow trample ya?
Murph enters
MURPH: Sorry I’m late, was up in the station all day. Poor lad, I warned him plenty of times to stay off my land, but sure look, nature finally sorted him out.
FLAH: What were the Polis askin ya?
MURPH: Just to give a statement and tellin me that I’d have to disclose a death on the land and all that.
FLAH: Ah grand, just red tape bollocks.
MURPH: Yeah official stuff and the like.
MURPH: (Sees Maire’s strawberries) Giz a few Maire, they look great.
MAIRE: (Angrily) Nothin great comes free lad.
MURPH: Ah feck off you aul bat.
FLAH: Be nice to Maire now, she’s just lost her neighbour. How would you feel?
MURPH: I suppose you’re right.
FLAH: I suppose I am.
MURPH: Sorry Maire, I’m just wound up with the Polis and all.
Maire gives a slight nod.
MURPH: Flah? Can cows be done for killin someone?
FLAH: No Murph, they’re cows. They can murder all they want.
MURPH: Do cows go to heaven?
FLAH: Of course they do! Where else would they go? Why do ya think they were on that lad’s big boat?
MURPH: Ahh ok. That’s not very fair. So Patty can kill Brian and go to heaven but I can’t even kill meself without God getting annoyed? I think you’re right Flah, God’s a prick.
END.
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